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Ice breakers
Pickup lines
Illustration by the Mark Brewer/Tribune-Review
William Loeffler can be reached via e-mail or at 412-320-7986.
Male pickup prowess has been explored in movies like "Hitch" and in books like "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists" by Neil Strauss (ReganBooks/HarperCollins $29.95).
In the meantime, guys will continue to try their own verbal gambits when they spy a member of the opposite sex who actually makes them forget about their fantasy football league for an instant. Pickup lines -- corny, crass, brazen, clever, funny or earnest -- have been scorned and satirized, but at some happy hour somewhere in the world, a guy is using one at this very moment.
When it comes to men chatting up women, Deana Madden, a bartender at Soho on the North Shore, has seen more shoot-downs than the Red Baron. She's heard the corny lines -- "Quick! Call 9-1-1. You just stopped my heart" -- as well as compliments. Sometimes they're directed at her.
"You're not really flattered by the stuff anymore, and you're not offended by it," she says.
Guys might take a lesson from an exchange she witnessed one recent afternoon. A normal-looking guy -- nice but no Jude Law -- approached a girl who Madden says was clearly out of his league.
"You must have a lot of boyfriends," he said.
When the woman nodded yes, the brave gent asked how many.
"Ten," the woman said.
"Do you need an 11th?"
The woman laughed, and the guy ended up chatting with her for a while. Madden doubts it went beyond that.
"I'm sure it didn't get him anywhere, but it gave us all a chuckle," she says.
Recently, a group of researchers at the University of Edinburgh in Scotland used pickup lines as a means to determine how women assessed the desirable qualities of a male.
Psychologist Peter Caryl says the study was based on the ideas of Geoff Miller's book "The Mating Mind," in which he argued that the evolution of humans was based not on natural selection but on sexual selection. Thus, males who could come up with the best conversational gambit -- not necessarily a pickup line -- presumably would make more desirable mates.
"Given this background, and the fact that no one seemed to have looked at chat-up lines from an evolutionary perspective, we decided to have a go at this," Caryl says.
The researchers compiled a questionnaire of 40 vignettes where guys attempted to chat up women at bus stops, art galleries, bars and nightclubs. Some examples:
• Hi. You know I don't do this sort of thing often, but I was just wondering, can I buy you a drink -- or would you just like the money?
• Your eyes are blue like the ocean and, baby, I'm lost at sea!
• Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Actions spoke louder than words. The two scenarios that women rated the highest weren't pickup lines at all, but displays of chivalry. In one, a man helps a fellow jogger to her feet after she's fallen. In another, he stops two drunken yobs from pushing in front of the woman while they're waiting for a bus. Following each episode, the fellow asks the lady if she'd like to have a drink.
"The vignettes that reveal the man as a genuinely nice guy were the ones that got highest rating, and, of course, these are not conventional pickup lines," Caryl says.
The study's results will be published in the October issue of Personality and Individual Differences, a psychology journal.
Why do some men still think sexually suggestive lines will win a woman over? In a 2006 study, Caryl and his colleagues suggested that men used tacky openers to identify women who were more promiscuous.
But the pressures of making an impression in 10 seconds also can lead perfectly sensible guys to use a caveman come-on, says Susan Dunhoff, owner of the Modern Matchmaker in Squirrel Hill.
"I think they felt kind of insecure," she says. "I think they want to be perceived as being attractive or sexy or macho, and that's why some of these things come out of their mouths. They only have so much time to meet someone. They want to meet this person, and all of a sudden, what do you say, what do you do?"
She'll get no argument from Bill Crawford.
Crawford, 27, of Regent Square sticks to humor. That makes sense -- he's a comedian.
"It's an on-the-spot audition," he says. "You're doing a live audition, and you've got about 30 seconds, and you'd better be on. If you're on, you get a call-back."
"It's all in the approach," says Bill Cartiff, travel director for the Jewish Community Center in Squirrel Hill and Amazing Journeys, a travel agency for Jewish singles. "It's all in the presentation. If you've got social skills, if you're a charmer, then no matter what you say, it's going to sound good. If you're a schmo and all you're doing is working, then it's as obvious as a sales pitch.
"I think it depends what it is that you want. Are you just a guy out for a one-nighter and you want to work fast, or are you a guy looking for love?"
Swissvale native and comedian Billy Gardell met his future wife, Patty, in Atlanta in 1999. Gardell, who says he's no Brad Pitt, first bought her a drink.
"I said, 'Hi, I'm Bill. Drink this until I'm cute.' She looked at me and said, 'I'm going to need another one.'"
The rules
Rule No. 1: A tacky cliched line is no better when it's uttered ironically.
Some guys use groaners like "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" by pretending that they realize the ridiculousness of the line. You're not fooling anyone, says Rocky Rakovic, an editor for Playboy magazine.
"The only thing lamer than using a pickup line is pretending to use one ironically. You can forgive a man who tries them because he has no natural tact, but when a man recognizes that cheesy sexual quips fail and attempts to deliver them in a tongue-in-cheek manner, that makes him an absolute loser. The best pickup line has been and always will be 'Hi,' -- unless, of course, she is French, in which case try 'bonjour.'"
Rule No. 2: Being drunk does not make you resemble Dudley Moore in "Arthur."
Mandi Mutnansky of Salem Township recalls a come-on she got about five years ago.
"I was in a bar in Derry Township, which I will leave nameless, when an extremely intoxicated man began talking to me. I was not interested in the guy whatsoever. After some senseless small talk, he asked me what month I was born in. I replied, 'August.' The guy then proceeded to state, 'You are a Leo. ... That means you're hot!'
"There was nothing I could do other than burst into laughter right in the guy's face. He talked for about another minute and finally walked away. He must have gotten the hint."
Rule No. 3: The direct approach can work.
Susan Dunhoff, of the Modern Matchmaker, remembers meeting her future husband, David, after a singles event she organized.
"He sat down right next to me and looked right in my eyes and said, 'I've been dying to meet you since I spoke to you on the phone the other day.' That's literally what he said. I'll never forget it."
Rule No. 4: Humor is your friend.
"I always take the sarcastic over-the-top comical approach, because if you get burned, it's still pretty funny and at least you get a good story out of it," says Bill Crawford, a stand-up comic who lives in Regent Square. "Girls like a sense of humor, and I think they appreciate the effort."
For example, he might approach a woman with the following:
"I played high school football. Right guard. Senior year. I played in one game. It was a junior varsity scrimmage. Doesn't matter. The point is I want you to be my Pink Lady, and I'll wear a sweater vest and chase you through a fun house singing show tunes if that's what it takes."
If it bombs, well, there's always next time.
