Lifestyles

Around bedtime one night last week, I once again found myself yelling at my 12-year-old to brush her teeth. I confirmed for her that, yes, she needed to floss between each tooth, not just the ones in front, and no, she wasn't allowed to do the uppers on even days and the lowers on odd days. Her dental-hygiene routine (definition: eat candy, slurp toothpaste off toothbrush, spit) could, before middle school, leave her mouth looking like that of a 110-year-old woman whose teeth had never been sloshed by fluoride or scrubbed in toothpaste.

But all that is about to change.

German scientists have developed a good bacteria that clumps cavity-causing bacteria together. The germs in the white hats are Lactobacillus anticaries and the ones in the black hats are Streptococcus mutant ninja turtles. Not really. They're actually called Streptococcus mutans bacteria.

The Lactobacillus anticaries binds the Strep mutans so they can be rinsed away. And how are the scientists going to get my daughter to willingly put germs into her mouth? Easy: put them in gum. Soon, every teen and pre-teen will smack, snap and pop this new gum.

The Lactobacillus anticaries pretty much act like cowboys in search of cows The cowboys (Lactobacillus anticaries) search for cows (Streptococcus mutans) that roam around on your teeth. Like bad tenants with horns, they dent the walls, which in this case is tooth enamel. The lactobacillus cowboys are sent in via this new gum to lasso and bind-up the bad guys.

To provide an in-depth account of this new bacteria-fighting process, I tried to read up on the lactobacillus anticaries. But most of the literature is in German. Germans are known for using huge words like Milchsaurebakterien and wissenschaftliche and spezifisch-probiotischer, which mean -- I have no idea. So let's get down to what's really important: flavor.

If the gum doesn't taste great, kids won't chew it. I figure the gum should smell like chocolate and taste like candy-coated candy. Or be pink and taste exactly like bubble gum. Because it is supposed to be good for us, it will probably come in flavors like broccoli, Brussels sprouts and, everyone's favorite, liver. If those are the flavors, it'll be on the half-off rack 30 seconds after it hits the stores.

In addition to taste, we'll need to know the bubble-blowing capacity of this gum. If this gum won't allow gum chewers to blow decent bubbles, big enough to cover their faces and stick to hair, chewers may stick to their old favorites.

And speaking of sticking, how sticky is this gum? As an 8-year-old in the sixties, I was forced to sit in the backseat of our non-air-conditioned Chrysler Valiant as we drove for days anticipating a visit to the Grand Canyon. Along with coloring books and crayons that melted into one giant gob when left on the back shelf of the car while we traversed the tunnels of the Cave of the Winds, I also packed scissors. You never know when you are going to feel like cutting the head off a Cinderella drawing in your coloring book because your mom absolutely refused to let you order a hamburger, soda and fries for breakfast. When snipping heads off princesses failed to produce an adequate catharsis, I popped some bubble gum into my mouth to get over my disappointment. I soon fell asleep. Before long, my gum mysteriously intertwined in my hair. My mother used the scissors to give me a very interesting haircut that made a motel owner say, "Yes, we have room for you and your, hmm, little boy." Which is why for the next 10 years I grew my hair and wore it in a braid long enough to sit on.

How else will this bacteria-binding gum change life as we know it? Will it be outlawed in schools or will school principals permit if on the grounds that it's "healthy"?

If this gum does catch on and reduce cavities, will dentists worry about a decline in business? Will they be coerced into other lines of work, such as volunteering to be one of the four out of five dentists who approve of a mouthwash that tastes like bleach. Or will they be forced to become bad breath consultants and experts on teeth whitening or -- worse yet -- greeters at Wal-mart.

Another product line the German-based chemical company is developing is a bacteria that reduces odor-producing bacteria in the armpit. Perhaps the manufacturer is thinking of knocking off two problems at once. For the person too busy to brush her teeth or bathe, she could chew the gum and then park it in her armpit. My daughter is sure to buy this stuff by the case. What could be better than skipping brushing and the bath?

Jennifer Angelo is a freelance writer from McCandless.

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