Lifestyles

"Mommy guilt begins at conception ... because you worry about your vitamins," says Mason, 38. The freelance court reporter has two children, Hannah, 7, and Jack, 4.

"You just drive yourself crazy feeling guilty: Are you doing enough of this, and enough of that?"

Yet, Mason has learned positive, healthy ways to tune out the guilt-producing messages. She makes a point of spending quality time with her children, doing simple things such as sitting on the porch swing and reading to them.

"I'm never going to be a perfect mommy, but my kids know that they are loved," Mason says. "I want my children, in this day and age, to have a real simple and pleasant ... kind of Country Time Lemonade childhood."

The "mommy guilt" phenomenon -- which might subtly, yet, pervasively, chastise mothers for having a life separate from their kids, or simply for not doing enough -- causes a lot of unnecessary anguish for mothers, experts say.

Mommy guilt is a socially acceptable, catch-all phrase, says Aviva Pflock, co-author of "Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most, and Raise Happier Kids."

"Mommy guilt is taking all those negative emotions that might be associated with being parents -- frustration, anger, fear or anything we struggle with," says the Loveland, Colo., resident. "We kind of dump it in a bowl and call it mommy guilt."

Devra Renner, Pflock's co-author, says that mommy guilt does not equate with depression and unhappiness, but it's "like the vinaigrette that goes all over those emotions," says the Centreville, Va., resident.

Mothers who feel inadequate when compared with the June Cleaver model of the '50s, however, are doing much better than they think, according to a study recently published from the University of Maryland. And, maybe even the cookie-baking "Leave it to Beaver" star wasn't perfect.

The study found that today's mothers actually spend more hours focused on their children than their own mothers did 40 years ago. In 1965, mothers spent 10.2 hours a week tending primarily to their children, according to the study's analysis of detailed time diaries kept by thousands of Americans. That number dipped in the '70s and '80s, increased in the '90s and now is at its highest, at almost 14.1 hours a week.

According to the study, published last year as a book called "Changing Rhythms of American Family Life," by researchers Suzanne M. Bianchi, John P. Robinson and Melissa A. Milkie, today's mothers have cut back on other areas of their lives to spend more time with their children. Housework, which decreased more than 40 percent in a period of 38 years, seems to be a big casualty. Meanwhile, many mothers said they skimp on free time and even sleep to multi-task, and spend more time with their kids.

Yet, about half of the women interviewed for the study said they did not have enough time for their children. Such women should relax, says Anne Dunnewold. The Dallas clinical psychologist is the author of "Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box: Cut Yourself Some Slack (and Still Raise Great Kids) in the Age of Extreme Parenting."

Mothers in Cleaver's generation knew nothing about mommy guilt, because the world was a lot less complex, and having fresh-baked cookies for the children when they arrived home was feasible, Dunnewold says. Today, societal messages not only insist on the constant cookies, but they erroneously say that mothers are totally responsible for the outcome of their children's lives, she says.

"A lot of women have taken on that ideal," she says. "They knew how to be Type-A and make it in the workplace. When they come home, they transfer it to their children.

"Every aspect or your children's lives you're supposed to control," Dunnewold says, describing the messages that produce mommy guilt. "You have to be the perfect parent to produce the perfect child to protect them from every danger.

"That's where the anxiety and guilt comes from: when you can't keep up with those unrealistic cultural expectations," she says. "When you can't keep up with it, you feel like a failure."

Jane Herrmann, of Fox Chape,l says she will not succumb to the societal notion that if she is not with her kids 24/7, she should feel guilty. She fully enjoys both her career as a Realtor, and as the mother of three.

"I just feel like, as a mom; I'm much more productive if I'm doing the balancing act," says Herrmann, 40. She and her husband, Guy, have three children: Riley, 11; Matt, 10; and Haley, 7.

"Is there guilt? Not really," she says. "The time that I spend with the kids is much more quality time."

Greta Gump, a personal banker with S&T Bank in Delmont, Westmoreland County, struggles with guilt often when she leaves her son, Joshua, 10. Yet, seeing what a loving son she has helps to ease the remorse, she says.

"I think Josh is a great kid," says Gump, 38, of New Alexandria, Westmoreland County.

"Sometimes, I just have to root (for) myself and gather myself together and say, 'You know, I have a great kid.' "

If mothers make time for themselves to care for themselves and pursue their own interests, Pflock and Renner say, they not only will be healthier and happier, they also will be better moms, too.

"If your kids are absolutely everything, they grow up, they move out, and then you have nothing," Pflock says.

"Somehow, we have given in to this idea that focusing on something other than your children is equal to parental neglect, and that's not true," she says. "There's no one who's going to call child protection because you've hired a baby sitter to come watch your kids, so you can go out and eat dinner with your husband."

Devra Renner and Aviva Pflock, authors of "Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most, and Raise Happier Kids," offer on their Web site these steps to freedom from guilt:

• You must be willing to let some things go. So what if the carpet isn't spotless. Kids live there, and a house is not supposed to be sterile. If you have a career, you might have even less time to tend to some domestic duties.
• Parenting is not a competitive sport. As long as your child is healthy, don't worry about what the people next door are doing.
• Look toward the future and at the big picture. Parenting is just one of your roles, and you want to raise well-rounded children.
• At the same time, learn when and how to live in the moment, rather than the future. Put aside all of those to-do lists, stop rushing about, and enjoy being with your children in the here and now. Leave work at work, and enjoy.
• Get used to saying "yes" more often and being able to defend your "no." Think seriously about the reasons for every knee-jerk "no," and be willing to adjust your answers.
• Laugh a lot, especially with your children. You might have to work at developing your sense of humor, but laughing and telling jokes with your children are great stress-relievers.
• Set aside time to have fun as a family. Play together, eat together and do planned activities together when you're not working, and don't worry that it's not enough.

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