Lifestyles

Olivia Hess' father taught her to wear an emotional Teflon jacket rather than a Velcro one, so that negative comments people throw at her slide off rather than stick.

Even though the Oakmont resident has dealt with her share of bullies and is emotional by nature, her father's words have stuck on her like Velcro and helped her cope with stress and remain calm when faced with ugliness.

"If kids used to say stuff to me, I always let it stick," says Olivia, 17, who is entering her senior year at Riverview High School. "High school is so hard. ... I feel like I have a target on my back sometimes. ... But I try to be different, and not just follow the crowd. I do my own thing."

In a world full of upsets and stressors, adults have enough difficulty coping with and managing their emotions, and facing challenges with a sense of calm composure. If it's hard for grown-ups, how can they teach their children to cope well with stress, and be emotionally balanced?

They can start, experts say, by managing their own emotions. If their kids see their tempers explode when faced with annoyances or inconveniences, for instance, they probably will react the same way.

"Good parenting is good role modeling, and practicing what you preach as parents, and looking for opportunities to teach," says Rod Hess, Olivia's father. His company, Applied Organizational Concepts, teaches people skills and leadership skills to adults and children.

Dr. John Carosso, a child psychologist and clinical director of Community Psychiatric Centers, with offices in Greensburg, Westmoreland County and throughout Western Pennsylvania, agrees.

"Parents really set the foundation for this, because the parents are the ones who model for the child how human beings handle frustrations and problems," he says. "It is modeled for the children 100 times per day. ... Children learn to do what's shown more than what's told."

Calm, well-balanced children can include both shy, mellow children and the more hyperactive and lively kids, experts say. The key is how they handle stress and manage their emotions, a large part of which is thinking before reacting to something.

"A child can be running around both in control and out of control," says Susan Usha Dermond. She is the author of "Calm and Compassionate Children: A Handbook."

If you say "Stop," and the child can do it, then they can be called calm, she says.

"It's more of a self-control thing," Dermond says. "Children are temperamentally different, but we all have the ability to come from a calm place, even if our temperament is enthusiastic and bubbly."

One important thing for parents to do when teaching their children to manage their emotions is to show sympathy and empathy for the kids' emotions, and give them the freedom to feel them, Dermond says. The parents can say, for instance, "Yes, I know you're angry, but you don't have to hit your brother."

"You can acknowledge their feeling ... but let them know that they don't have to act it out in an inappropriate way," Dermond says.

Linda McAlister, of Murrysville, says she raised her two now-grown children to be even-tempered by teaching them that they don't always need to win at everything.

"We never expected them to come in first all the time," McAlister, 62, says about Doug, 29, and Brandi, 32.

"We said, 'You give them 100 percent. If you come in last place and it was your 100 percent, that's fine,' " she says. "There's always somebody better than you."

McAlister and her then-husband, Rege, also told their kids that they always can talk about problems without being yelled at.

Mary Heards, of Whitaker, a foster parent who has three children, says that teaching the simple, old-school principle of respect for others and their property goes a long way with children. When children respect others, she says, they are less likely to blow up when they are angry, and they are more likely to stop and think about how their actions affect others.

"You have to lay down certain rules ... just the simple things, and just the stuff that really matters," says Heards, 44.

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Calm down

Experts suggest that children try the following stress-management and calming techniques. They will work just as well with adults, so why not make it a team effort?

• Get adequate sleep.
• Eat a balanced diet.
• Exercise regularly. Intensive aerobics especially can relieve stress.
• Pray.
• Talk your feelings out with someone close to you.
• Listen to music.
• Write your feelings down on paper.
• Enjoy soothing physical touch, like hugs and massages.
• Spend time stroking a cuddly pet, like a cat or dog. If you don't have one, get one.
• Take a moment to think before simply reacting to an immediate problem.
• Get a sense of perspective on problems with your mind, which can help control your feelings.
• Don't get too worked up about things you can't control, like a traffic jam or school-bus breakdown.
• Teach and practice the principle that we can choose to be happy, even in bad circumstances.

Source: Author Susan Usha Dermond, psychologist John Carosso, and consultant Rod Hess.

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Managing stress

Maybe, when your kids were younger, your family didn't exhibit good stress-management skills, and now you have a volatile teenager on your hands. Don't despair. The American Academy of Pediatrics offers on its Web site these stress-management tips for teens:

For parents

* Understand the pressures that adolescents are under, and be sympathetic. They are dealing with awkwardness about their changing bodies, the desire for social acceptance and peer pressure, and the desire for independence.

* Learn to manage your own stress well. It is stressful for children to watch their parents fight.

* Consider professional help for the family, if necessary.

For teens

* Don't ignore problems, because they will get worse rather than go away.

* People who try to fix their problems tend to be emotionally healthier.

* Get work, like studying or chores, done before fun things. The longer you put off the work, the more you worry, and you'll have less fun if you're worrying about work that is not done. Break work into small pieces.

* If you get in a fight with your friends or family, deal with what upset you, work through the conflict, apologize if you need to, and forgive.

* Avoid things that bring you down, like friends who are a bad influence, and things like drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. Avoid places, people and situations that are likely to get you in trouble.

* Let some things go. It's important to try and solve problems, but sometimes, there's nothing you can do to change a situation. Worrying about things you can't control is very stressful, and a waste of time.

Source: American Academy of Pediatrics

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