Lifestyles

When Jim Garbera encounters difficult people who give him a hard time, he has a few approaches he favors.

Sometimes, depending on the situation, when someone is being hostile, and the Canonsburg, Washington County, resident needs to stand up for himself, he'll "fight fire with fire." He might get sassy by saying, "What part of 'NO' do you not understand?" or "Are you naturally just stupid, or are you being deliberately obtuse?"

But, most of the time, a much softer approach works, says Garbera, who owns an interior trim carpentry business called Big Dog Joinery.

"Take the extra two steps ... and everybody will appreciate it," he says. "You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar."

Anywhere in life -- such as the workplace, family, a grocery store, or restaurant -- people can encounter folks who are in some way difficult to deal with and relate to, and create stress. Such people can cause anything from a mild annoyance to headaches, stomach aches and misery.

Many times, people who are consistently difficult to deal with have personality disorders, like narcissism, and they can poison someone's life, says Dr. Stan Kapuchinski. He is a psychiatrist in Punta Gorda, Fla., and author of "Say Good-bye to Your PDI (Personality Disordered Individual)."

"It's all about them, and they are high-maintenance ... things revolve around them," Kapuchinski says. "You give and you give and you give, but it's never enough. ... You're always the one lacking.

"It's take and not give," he says. "Their worth comes from attention from others."

Difficult people range in types and intensity. They can be the bullies, users, passive-aggressive manipulators, temperamental types, or at the extreme, sociopaths, says Paul Friday, chief of clinical psychology for UPMC Shadyside. Then, there's the more benign types of difficult people -- those who are just plain annoying or a pain in the neck -- though these folks can cause significant vexation if you're around them enough, Friday says.

The most trying people to deal with are bad bosses, whom someone must see constantly and obey, Friday says. Obnoxious family members, even if you only see them on holidays, also can be very tough.

"If it's an uncle or an aunt who has to dominate the holidays, it's like you don't even want to go there because they'll be there," he says.

Toxic people especially can be challenging in a workplace, where you have to see those people and work with them, like it or not -- and if the problem person is your boss, it's even worse.

"The workplace is a reflection of the world we live in," says Jack Davis, director of human resources at Alle-Kiski Medical Center in New Kensington. "We've got people of all different kinds working together, trying to work together for a common goal ... with different expectations and values and coming together. It's just human nature that ... there's going to sometimes be friction."

A good question to ask, Davis says, when someone is difficult to work with is, "Is there any way I'm contributing to this?" For instance, a boss may have a terrible temper, but you may trigger incidents by something you're doing wrong.

Whether the difficult people are colleagues or part of your personal life, it might help to keep in mind that difficult people have difficult lives themselves, Friday says. It may be their own doing and hard to have sympathy for them, but people act badly because they are insecure and/or miserable. Viewing bullies as what they are -- insecure, overgrown children who are trying to lord it over others to make themselves feel better -- can be an empowering perspective, he says.

Difficult people are difficult, Friday says, because "sometimes it's their best defense, and it's a good armor. Who wants to go up and hug someone who's being mean?"

Kapuchinski advocates cutting the toxic person out of your life, if it's a personal relationship that is bringing more stress than joy. A boss, on the other hand, you may have to live with for awhile. If you can't sever the relationship with the toxic person, he says, you should significantly minimize exposure to the person.

"They suck you dry," he says. "Any time you attempt to confront problems, you might have it turned on you. It's always turned back on you.

"Eliminate them from your life," he says. "Nothing changes them. Nothing you do will change. ... You feel like a failure, and you feel like you could have done more.

"It's either stay in this awful, awful thing and ... moan, or be upset, or take some control of your life."

A critical principle in dealing with difficult people is focusing on your own behavior, and not theirs, says Cynthia Magistro. She is a professor with a doctorate in psychology and interim director of the marriage and family therapy master's program at Seton Hill University in Greensburg.

"One of the things that I think is most important is absolutely accepting that we can't change other people," she says. "Other people do change, but usually not because we've done anything to change them. The trick when dealing with really difficult people is to take care of our end of the business, instead of focusing on their end of the business.

"What we need to do is ask, 'How do I manage myself in this situation?' and 'How do I soothe myself emotionally so that I don't contribute to the problem?' " Magistro says.

Coping mechanisms

Here are some tips from experts interviewed by the Tribune-Review.

• If you are about to face an unpleasant person, plan ahead, and know how you will hold on to yourself and respond. For instance, you can have a reply in mind before you see your mother-in-law, who loves to criticize your parenting.

• If you are getting into a relationship with someone and you see signs of toxicity, heed the red flag and run before you get in too deep.

• If you already have a relationship with a difficult person, whether professional or personal, step back and try to evaluate the situation objectively. Seek help from a friend, or another person that can help you gain perspective.

• Try to have balance in your life, so that you have enough good to buffer the effect of a difficult person. If your boss is mean, for instance, befriending colleagues can make your work environment more pleasant.

• Often, even most of the time, the best way to deal with someone who is difficult is to exercise the flight option in the "fight-or-flight" choice. Getting into an argument with someone who is irate, for instance, is probably more trouble than it's worth and a waste of energy.

• Unplug and disengage from a toxic person, and avoid that person as much as possible. Logic, reason and pleas for empathy often don't work much.

• Sometimes, though, confronting a person and being assertive is the best way to approach a difficult person about the problem behavior. Use "I feel" statements, rather than being accusatory.

• Humor can work wonders in helping you cope. When someone is being obnoxious, get a good laugh out of it with your friends.

• Mentally undress someone, and imagine the bully standing there in his underwear. Imagine if you were married to this jerk, and be grateful you're not.

• Though it's difficult, taking the time to listen to and hear a difficult person helps to defuse them, because you are validating the person's feelings. So you can say, "I hear that you're really mad, let's see what we can do about it" instead of getting defensive and shouting, "Why are you mad at me?"

• If the difficult person is at work, and is making it hard for you to work effectively, you may need to involved higher-ups or human resources.

• Remember that, ultimately, you can only control how you respond to someone.

Sources: Dr. Stan Kapuchinski, psychiatrist and author of "Say Goodbye to Your PDI (Personality Disordered Individual)"; Paul Friday, chief of clinical psychology for UPMC Shadyside;

Jack Davis, director of human resources at Alle-Kiski Medical Center in New Kensington; Cynthia Magistro, professor with a doctorate in psychology and interim director of the marriage and family therapy master's program at Seton Hill University in Greensburg

The difficult quiz

The PDI (Personality Disordered Individual) Misery Index, a quiz on Dr. Stan Kapuchinski's Web site, lists 25 questions that help determine whether you are in a relationship with a PDI. Here are some of the questions; the full quiz is available online.

• Do you find yourself frequently apologizing to a family member, even though you know you did nothing wrong?

• Do these individuals bring out the worst in you and always put you on the defensive so that you feel used?

• Do you always have to explain yourself, but they never do?

• Do you feel that problems are always your fault and your rights come last? That your feelings are passed off as selfish?

• Do they provoke you and then turn your feelings around on you?

• Do you frequently feel like you're talking to a child?

Source: Say Goodbye to your PDI

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