Yoga offers a more challenging sedentary activity

The constant snacking, office parties and stationary state are really doing a number on my already endangered muscle tone.

So I decided to fight the battle of the pudge and try being motionless in a class setting. I checked out the yoga class at Squirrel Hill Carnegie Library, which offers them twice a week for a price that's sure to get my butt moving: free.

Even though I'm envious of people who can use yoga as an excuse to wear sweatpants everywhere, I discovered that I can't turn my brain off enough to enjoy the benefits of its relaxation techniques.

See for yourself, in this re-created conversation between the yoga instructor and my internal dialogue:

"Relax your toes, your heels, your ankles ..."

Is that Enya playing in the background? We should get some Massive Attack up in here, at least.

"Feel whatever you're feeling. Whatever you feel is OK."

I feel it is becoming achingly apparent that I have not done pushups for close to a decade.

"This is where you are, and you only have to be here right now."

I wonder if I'll get out of here in time to get a latte before work.

"Forget all your worries, your failures, your plans ..."

I really want a latte. God, am I turning into a yuppie?

"Everything in the universe is made of energy."

I thought everything was made of atoms. In fact, I distinctly remember that filmstrip from eighth-grade science class.

"Move at your own pace. This isn't a competition."

That woman in front of me has to be at least 70, and she is kicking my butt.

"Breathe in through your nostrils, and exhale down through your spine."

That is a physical impossibility. This will be really good to include in my column this week.

"Reach up, stretch out your hands and form a tree."

So this is what being in a modern dance troupe feels like.

"Take your leg, your right foot in your left hand and your right knee in the crook of your elbow. Give your leg a hug."

This is definitely a first.

"Stretch out, relax your back and lay your hands at your sides on the floor."

Whoa -- did I just fall asleep?

"Let's chant. Ohmmm ..."

I should try kickboxing.

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