To Beth Kerns, moving her 67-year-old mother into Kerns' house seemed like a great solution.
Kerns, 38, says she felt uncomfortable with her native Duquesne neighborhood, where her mother, Jane, had been living. Plus, most of the family lived in the Irwin and Hempfield areas, so Kerns asked her mother to move into her Connellsville-area home with her and her son, Cody, 11. Now, the two women are like live-in buddies, and Mom helps Kerns, who is single, with Cody.
"I think she was lonely," Kerns says. "I love her to death, and I couldn't do this without her. ... Now, instead of going to work every day, she is taking care of us. I think that makes her feel useful."
Still, the two women have moments where they bug each other by lapsing back into old parent-child roles. "She's just your typical mom," Kerns says, laughing. "I'm 38, and it doesn't matter: I'm still her baby."
A decade or two ago, parents would come over to their grown children's houses for dinner. Now, more and more of them are staying for good.
According to a U.S. Census Bureau report released in October, a record number of parents are moving in with their adult children, many of whom have spouses, children of their own and jobs. The Census data shows the number of older parents doing this has increased by more than 60 percent in the past seven years. In 2000, 2.3 million older parents were living with their adult children; by contrast, last year, that number jumped to 3.6 million.
"It's unbelievable," says Tom Trent. He is the owner of Senior Helpers, a Greensburg-based company that provides professional caregivers and helpers who assist senior citizens with daily living tasks, and keep them company. "It's truly staggering, and we do see it every day here."
Physical and health issues from aging or disease drive the majority of older parents, most of whom are widowed or divorced, to move in with their grown children, although financial pressure can also prompt the change, says Stefanie Small. She is a licensed social worker who works with geriatric clients through Jewish Family & Children's Service of Pittsburgh in Squirrel Hill. The organization provides a Comprehensive Care Coordination program, where social workers who specialize in geriatric care provide ongoing support and supervision for clients and their families.
Many parents and grown children don't like the thought of the parent moving to an assisted-living facility or, certainly, a nursing home, Small says. Such options also can cost an amount that is unfeasible to anyone but wealthy families, and that most insurance policies don't cover, she says.
Often, the grown child initiates the move-in, Small says, because many seniors are reluctant to give up their independent living and homes, and don't want to be a burden on their children. This can be especially true when the parent is 60-something, rather than 85 and older. The older parents may have grown up with the "sandwich generation" phenomenon -- when three generations live under one roof -- because it was more common decades ago. Yet, for younger generations, the living arrangement can seem more intrusive -- especially when it's long-term, which it often is, Small says.
"There's a good chance that a lot of people who move in with their children do mean it to be temporary, and it becomes permanent," she says.
When a parent moves in with an adult child, the dynamics of not only the parent-child relationship change, but also of every relationship in the household, particularly the marriage of the "sandwiched" couple. Between the parent and adult child, the move can be a role reversal.
"When your parent moves in with you, who's the parent and who's the child?" Small says.
For the marriage, couples now lack the privacy they used to have, and must be more cautious about coming into the kitchen in their underwear, for instance.
"I think that the stresses on a marriage really involve the fact that there's now a third person in that marriage," Small says.
"Their entire system of life, starting with how they get up in the morning to how they go to bed at night, is going to change," she says. "No matter what, there's always a additional presence in that house."
Jane Crawford, spokeswoman for the Pennsylvania Department of Aging, says that space becomes a huge issue when a parent is moving in, particularly if the sandwiched adult has his or her own children.
"If Grandma needs a room of her own, somebody's going to bunk with someone else," she says.
Yet for the grandchildren, the grandparent living with them can bring a great opportunity to bond and get to know each other better, Crawford says. Trent agrees.
"The grandchildren get to know their grandparents, and understand the value of taking care of your family and your loved ones," Trent says. The living arrangement, he says, "can repair damage if people have grown apart over time."
Often, the older parent's move-in, though it may be challenging, enhances that parent's bond with the adult child, and brings them closer than they had been, Trent says. Also, moving a parent in can bring relief and added convenience to the adult child, who may constantly have been driving to and from the parent's house to run errands for Mom or Dad, Trent says.
For Katie Robson of New Kensington, moving in her mother, Virginia, 78, worked out beautifully for everyone, she says. Robson's mother moved in with Robson, 41, and her two kids -- Miranda, 8, and Aidan, 6 -- after Robson got divorced, and moved back to her native Pittsburgh area from Montana three years ago. Her mother was having difficulty climbing the stairs in her house, so Robson bought a house that included a ground-floor master suite, which Virginia uses as an apartment.
"I was concerned about her living alone in a house where she couldn't do the stairs," Robson says. "And I was concerned about me living alone with my children. I really like my mother; I wouldn't have asked her if I didn't like her. She's a very kind person and is easy to get along with."
All family members eat dinner together each night, but other than that, they are mostly on different schedules, so they have plenty of space, Robson says. Her children have benefited from the arrangement, and learned more about consideration for other people, she says. Times of tension arise -- like when Robson's mom comments on her child-rearing practices -- but overall, things have worked out very well, she says.
"There are way more pros than cons," Robson says.
Laurie Wygonik of Natrona Heights also has had a successful experience since her mother, Elaine, 72, moved in about a year ago with Wygonik, her husband, Edward, and their two sons: Raymond, 17, and John, 15. Laurie Wygonik's mother had health problems after having back and hip surgeries, and she has emphysema. Elaine lives in an apartment in the Wygonik's finished basement, with a handicapped-accessible bathroom.
The move made Laurie Wygonik's life easier, in a way, because she constantly was driving her mother around and running errands.
"Everything she did, she did with us, anyway," says Laurie Wygonik, 48. "I always joked that she likes my husband more than she likes me. ... She is free to come up here whenever she wants."
Caring for her mother wasn't challenging in the beginning, Laurie Wygonik says. Still, "it's getting worse as her level of care is increasing."
A big change
Before the move
If you are thinking about letting a parent or parent-in-law move into your house, first consider these tips from experts.
• You are not under any obligation to move an aging parent into your home. In fact, it may be a really bad idea in some cases, like if the relationship is toxic, or severe medical and/or psychiatric issues would cause too much strain on your family.
• Hire a social worker or other professional for an objective evaluation of your family situation.
• Talk openly and honestly among everyone involved, share your concerns, and agree to boundaries, if you do live together.
• Face it: most husbands and wives aren't thrilled about their mother- or father-in-law moving in, or about their own parents moving in. If you are married, communication is critical. Tell each other how you feel, and set boundaries to insulate your marriage from the third party.
• Find resources and support before you need them. Try your local Area Agency on Aging, which is a division of the Pennsylvania Department of Aging.
After the move
After a parent has moved in, consider these tips.
• Respect each other's roles, which don't necessarily change now that you're living together.
• Make time for just yourself, to be pampered, to read, to exercise, or do whatever you enjoy doing. If you don't take care of yourself, who will take care of your loved ones? Keep seeing friends and enjoying activities.
• You don't need to devote 24 hours a day to the parent. There's enough love to go around, and your other family members need you.
• Devote some exclusive time to your spouse, or your marriage will suffer. Also, give your kids the attention they need. Encourage your kids' relationships with their grandparents.
• Hold regular family meetings with open and honest communication, and consider joining a family caregiver-support group.
• Don't over-care for your parents; they probably want to do as much for themselves as possible.
• Constantly assess the situation as time goes on, and seek ongoing professional evaluation, and in-home professional care, if necessary. A living arrangement may work out fine today, but a parent's ailing health may require more intensive care next year.
• Encourage the senior citizen to seek out social contacts and activities outside the family. Isolation isn't good for anyone.
• Remember that you can't do it all. Get help when you need it, or you will wear down and burn out. You have your own life, and you don't need to feel guilty about it.
• Don't make promises you don't think you can keep, like "I would never put you in a nursing home." Maybe that will be medically necessary some day.
Sources: Officials from Jewish Family & Children's Service of Pittsburgh; Tom Trent of Senior Helpers
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