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Or the black and white ones in newWitch.

Edition no. 8 of newWitch magazine proudly proclaims, "Not your mother's broomstick," and it has advertisements for everything you'll need to take a walk on the Wiccan side.

Many are for books or CDs or Web sites to enhance your pagan experience. "The Afro-Apocalyptic sounds and visions of the Palo-Yadou underworld summons the dead and makes the living dance with the angels," promises one ad.

Well, I guess that recommendation beats, "It's got a good beat and you can really dance to it."

The latest CD from Mephisto Waltz is described as "one of the few remaining classic gothic-ethereal-punk rock bands."

Darn it, first big band music, now classic gothic-ethereal-punk rock. I'm always the last to know.

NewWitch's ads are not just fluff. Hey, if that communications degree doesn't work out, you can always go to grad school -- at the Our Lady of Enchantment Seminary of Wicca of Cobb, Calif.,

There are even "discount spell supplies" from the "pagan owned and operated" SpellSpot. (I bet they hope Wal-Mart doesn't get into that market.)

Oh, there's much more. There are blandishments from pagan festivals and travel agencies. Ads will tell you about cards, crystals, candles, jewelry, oils, tapestries and stones.

There is even -- it's advertised on page 77, I swear -- "Boobie Butter -- herbal balm encouraging healthy, happy breasts."

Well, I'm sure we're all in favor of that.

So there's everything in one magazine you need to create your own polytheistic lifestyle.

But, what if people who don't believe in magic mock your faith in the Goddess or Apollo or Odin?

Have no fear. On page 12 an ad offers swords from "The Mithril Armoury," So if any of your non-pagan acquaintances hassle you, you can whip out a bewitched blade and give them the classic challenge:

"So, do you feel lucky, muggle?"

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