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Random parenting topics have been making their way to me these past few weeks. For example, a publicist writes that she knows I have written about "mommy wars," and wants me to see the results of a new study that proves there is no such thing.

The phrase "mommy wars" refers to the competition between working mothers and stay-home mothers, who seem to battle over which is the best way to raise children. I don't think this publicist has so much followed the Familyville columns as she has plugged the phrase into a search engine and come up with a column from summer 2003. Yes, indeed, I said moms were at war.

Now, and I quote, a ground-breaking, large-scale national study says it ain't so.

"Instead of emphasizing the stresses and strains of motherhood and divisions among mothers, the findings reveal that -- regardless of background or life circumstances -- mothers across the U.S. have a great deal in common and derive deep satisfaction from motherhood, even as they worry about the impact of American culture on their children," writes the publicist. The study by the Institute for American Values interviewed 2,000 moms and -- found no significant evidence to support what the media sometimes refer to as the mommy wars."

I love being lumped into "the media," as though I am not a mother myself and do not have my own intuitive sense about this topic. I support the ideals of this study -- to unite mothers in the common causes of reducing family violence, improving the financial security of mothers and enabling mothers to spend more time with their families. But I also feel that such studies are flawed from the outset.

As Americans, and maybe simply as humans, we all want to believe that we are tolerant and broad-minded. Asked whether we judge the lady at the next park bench as less interesting and ambitious because she stays home with her children, we say of course not! Asked whether we view the working mom as somewhat selfish and colder toward her children -- perish the thought! But in reality, these prejudices can remain and poison the best-intended friendships between mothers. Trying to document them for a poll is trying to pin a cloud to paper.

I believe it's better to be honest about our feelings, at least in the privacy of our own hearts, and start from that basis to work together. But don't take my word for it. If you're interested, you can read about the study at www.motherhoodproject.org/study/executive_summary.php.

Moving along, several people wrote to respond to a column in which I advocated eliminating Mother's Day. I feel as though it creates a tense environment where moms can be disappointed and children can do no right.

Oren Spiegler of Upper Saint Clair, who says he is one of our country's most prolific writers of letters to newspapers, lost his mother this year and feels as though Mother's Day is mostly a sad reminder. Donna Wright of Gibsonia, a member of the Parenthood Panel that contributes to Familyville, writes to say that Mother's Day is too commercialized.

Pam Bruchwalski of Bethel Park, another Parenthood Panel member, believes that doing away with Mother's Day would throw the baby out with the bathwater. Last year, her teenage daughter gave her two flowers from the grocery store with no card. Pam was disappointed. But this year, the same child bought her a sapphire ring because it was the birthstone of her best friend, who recently died.

"I am still blown away," Pam writes. "Those gestures are about so much more than the day on the calendar."

A final thought orbiting my parenting world this week is about the second-grade class trip I chaperoned to the American Museum of Natural History in New York City. I was assigned to watch two girls who are overweight, along with my daughter who is of normal weight.

I've written about childhood obesity before and have talked to doctors and nutritionists, but this was the first time I saw first-hand how limiting the excess weight is for children. The two girls had little energy to see the museum displays and talked continuously about when we would break for lunch. They wanted to take breaks to rest. One of them could not climb into the famous oversized clam shell to have her picture taken.

It was clear that the weight sapped the girls' energy and distracted them from learning. I'm sure that it is hard to lose weight as a child. But I can't help but think that parents should try, given the cost.

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