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Misdirected e-mail shows why Pa. economy's going south
To: Undercover agent Jim Bob Watkins, aka "Ed Rendell"
From: Arnold Frumitz, Alabama Dept. of Economic Subversion
We just wanted to thank you for all you've done to sabotage Pennsylvania's economy.
It was difficult for a loyal Southerner like you to take on the identity of a fast-talking Northerner, then work your way into the governor's office, all without those Yankees suspecting a thing.
It sure must chafe you to be eating cheesesteaks and not barbecue, and root for the Eagles, when you'd much rather be hollering, "Roll, Tide!"
But thanks to you, and other brave undercover agents from Alabama who have who infiltrated Pennsylvania's leadership over the past six decades, Alabama is landing the factories the Keystone State can't get anymore, like that $600 million Airbus factory in Mobile.
Did you see the New York Times story last week on our auto industry? Mercedes-Benz and Honda have doubled the sizes of their plants in Alabama, Hyundai just opened a plant here, and Toyota is expanding theirs again. And that's just the auto industry. In many other areas, we're growing, while Pennsylvania struggles.
But we can't be complacent, Jim Bob. For instance, though no fault of your own, Pennsylvania now has a $500 million surplus. Some business types suggested the money be used to cut the state's business taxes.
That of course would be disastrous for us in Alabama, since Pennsylvania's high taxes discourage companies from going there, while we reel them in. But as "Gov. Ed Rendell," you said that surplus would have to go to fund Medicaid.
Keep talking fast, and they'll never realize that if Pennsylvania had more manufacturing jobs, it would have less need of Medicaid.
Then there are the unions. The Times admitted that the automakers are flocking to Alabama because our laws don't require workers to join unions. We know you won't let that happen in Pennsylvania!
So keep up the good work as an undercover agent, Jim Bob. Keep the commonwealth's taxes high, and make it hard for manufacturing businesses to succeed in Pennsylvania. We'll be happy to welcome them to Sweet Home Alabama.
And maybe someday you'll be as great an Alabaman as Billy Joe Atkins -- aka Tom Murphy. Don't take it personal, Jim Bob, but he's done even more to Pittsburgh than you've done to Pennsylvania.
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