Larger text
Smaller text
Print
E-mail
Experts: Parents dealing with temper tantrums should stand their ground
The Fox Chapel girl had refused to get dressed after playing at a swimming pool, Fife says. When the defiance escalated into a raging tirade in the locker room, Fife covered her with a towel and carried the girl out to the car. By the time Fife had driven the girl home, the tot had conked out. Phew!
"They are just completely out of control," Fife, 42, says about children in the grip of temper tantrums. "You have to be the calmest that you possibly can. You've got to stay in control, because they'll feed off of it."
Ah, temper tantrums -- one of the most menacing flip sides to the joys of parenting.
Tantrums -- which mostly are a toddler's terror, but can happen in some form at any age -- culminate from extreme reactions to frustration and disappointment without healthy coping skills. Young children have been called miniature cavemen, because they go by the most basic human instincts with no inhibitions.
"They don't understand the nature of social rules, and they don't understand the consequences of their own behavior," says Dr. Heidi Feldman, a physician with Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh who specializes in developmental-behavioral pediatrics.
All young children get upset and cry, but when they completely lose control of their anger -- often with screaming, kicking, and flailing of the arms -- adults have a full-blown temper tantrum on their hands. Such tirades can be tumultuous, frightening and embarrassing -- and until the tantrum burns itself out, forget trying to reason with the kid.
"There's anger, and there's temper tantrums," says Nancy Wilson, program specialist for Better Kid Care, a statewide child care training program based at Pennsylvania State University in State College. "If they're kicking and screaming, there's no way in the world to get through to that child."
There is a way, however, to respond to children's emotional outbursts, experts say, and set the stage for calmer waters in both the current moment and the future. Parents and other caregivers must keep their cool and stay in control of the situation -- and never, regardless of the earaches endured, reward bad behavior by giving in to whatever the child is demanding, experts and parents say.
Joanne Snyder, 36, of McCandless, agrees. When she and her husband, Chris, mostly ignore temper tantrums thrown by their daughters -- Caitlyn, 5, and Kristen, 2 -- the problem stops.
"If you give in once, they're going to do it again and again," she says.
Temper tantrums have two main causes, and each requires a different kind of response, says Dr. Gary D. McKay, author and co-author of about a dozen family books, including "Calming the Family Storm: Anger Management for Moms, Dads and All the Kids." Young children usually throw temper tantrums because of a power struggle -- they want something, and their parents say no -- or because of frustration resulting from trying to do something they just can't do at their level.
"With a frustration tantrum, they're saying, 'I want to do this, and I can't do it,'" McKay says. "With a power tantrum, they're saying, 'I want to do this and you won't let me do it, so I'm going to make you.'"
Usually, only a frustration-induced tantrum calls for comforting the child during the wailing, McKay says. If the tantrum stems from a power struggle, he suggests neither responding with anger, giving in to it nor paying much attention to the yelling. Such reactions can escalate the emotions, teach children that the behavior works, and invite replays.
"It is crucial that you stay calm -- if you join them in a tantrum, it makes things worse," McKay says.
He says it is equally important to remain firm in your "no" during a power-motivated tantrum. Giving in can be very tempting when a child's ranting is ruining your evening or nearly blasting out your eardrums, yet negative consequences follow, experts say.
"They know it works," McKay says. "You're teaching them that the way to get what they want is to throw a fit. Kids are pretty smart; if it doesn't work, they give it up."
A productive reaction to a temper tantrum is to put children in time out, and let them cry it out in their room or elsewhere -- or, if you are in a public place, leave. Setting a timer for five-minute intervals might be helpful. Tell them that when they calm down, you will talk to them; whether you follow up with a conversation depends on the situation and the child, experts say.
Parents can show that some behavior is unacceptable and doesn't work, but they never should shame their tots for tantrums. Corporal punishment during a tantrum is another practice that experts interviewed discourage; however, some physical restraint might be necessary if children are in danger of hurting themselves or others.
Many parents and grandparents interviewed say they have found success following the practices experts recommend, and sometimes throwing in a few creative responses of their own.
Terry Morrow, 79 -- a great-grandmother from Irwin, Westmoreland County -- says she has had success tickling children when they throw tantrums.
Al Vickery and his wife, Carol, also took a lighthearted approach and gave their son, Philip, a shock when he was 2. The boy, now an adult, would stomp his feet, hold his breath and turn red -- and in response, Philip's parents laughed.
"From that time forward, we never saw him throw a tantrum," says Al Vickery, of North Huntingdon, Westmoreland County. "He didn't get the desired reaction he wanted, so he just gave up on it."
Naomi Rymer, 64, of Greensburg, took a similar approach. When her toddler son, Russ -- now grown -- started hitting his head on the floor during a tantrum, Rymer said, "Let me help you." Then, she took his head, and very gently tapped it on the floor. Russ was so stunned that he calmed down.
"The point I was trying to make was, 'If you're going to do this, it's not going to upset me,'" Rymer says. "Children want you to be firm -- when you are firm and fair with them, they feel secure."
Tantrums often can be avoided
Dealing with tirades of terror from youngsters can challenge the sanity of even the best parents. Is there any way to tantrum-proof your home, rather than manage storms when they blow through?
Yes, experts say: Prevention of temper tantrums is possible and can thwart many headaches. The key is to avoid difficult situational setups as much as possible, says Dr. Heidi Feldman, a physician with Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh who specializes in developmental-behavioral pediatrics.
"The more you can prevent it, the better off you're going to be and the happier your child will be," she says.
Experts and parents interviewed offer these tips:
-- Kellie B. Gormly
More Family headlines
- Teen girl without father in her life is obsessed with boys
- Reporter want ad: Curfews
- Behrendts offer pragmatic advice with witty core
- Helping boys resist stereotypes
- Child's birthday should be a main focus
- Faith, food and a woman on a mission
- Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! It's National Knock-Knock Day
- Crafty types create custom costumes
