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I was standing in line in a fabric store one day when an older man began entertaining his companions with comments about how parents praise their kids too much.

"Ohhh, we can't criticize little Johnny; it might ruin his self-esteem," he said. There were several parents my age standing around, so I interpreted his comments to be hostile and designed to upset us. I didn't say anything to him; I paid and left.

But I will admit that sometimes, I, too, think praising goes too far. Besides praise, kids need discipline, and they need to be held responsible for their behavior.

I was surprised to learn that a current expert who teaches about praise agrees. C. deRicci Horwatt, the program director of Gateway Vision, based in Washington, Pa., says experts have moved away from the "feel-good '60s and '70s," when children felt good about themselves, but indulged in self-destructive behavior such as taking drugs and drinking.

Gateway Vision, which, among other things, teaches substance-abuse prevention in schools, outlines 40 "developmental assets" that make kids less likely to engage in risk-taking, harmful behavior, Horwatt says.

Among the assets is a having a sense of security, being assured and comfortable and being able to build trusting relationships. Another asset is individuality, or discovering what you like and getting a sense of who you are. A sense of belonging is another asset, meaning feeling approval from peers and having the skills to make friends and keep them. Goal-setting is another asset. Kids must understand how to motivate themselves and accomplish things.

Horwatt says many kids lack the ability to set goals.

I thought this advice sounded super sensible, so I posed a real-life problem and asked how Horwatt would have solved it. My daughter, Charlotte, at age 4 started a new school when we moved to New York. Her teacher told me she seemed to fear rejection and had trouble making friends.

I was mortified, but I knew where it came from. Charlotte was troubled by our move, and she had lived in the shadow of her more gregarious sister, who is about a year and a half older. I had been hoping the new classroom would give Charlotte a new start, and, eventually, it did.

Horwatt says rather than just identifying problems, teachers should be aware that there are practical solutions. For example, some kids are what Horwatt calls "natural social workers." They're outgoing, empathetic and inviting. Her solution in Charlotte's case would have been to try to pair her with one of these gregarious kids when there was an opportunity.

Horwatt put the kibosh on letting kids choose their own teams, for example, when breaking into groups for sports. "Don't ever let kids pick their own groups or teams," she said. "It makes kids feel isolated."

I asked the Parenthood Panel how they instill a sense of confidence in their children.

Alison Fujito, of McCandless, says that two classes with Asian origins have helped her oldest son, who has Asperger's Syndrome, a milder form of autism. In Tae Kwon Do, Michael has learned social skills such as making eye contact and following the rules. The discipline also teaches responsibility and caring. Suzuki violin lessons have helped him learn to set goals.

Stephanie Lewand, of Highland Park, says she was born with low self-esteem, and her first daughter is the same way. She looks for opportunities to praise her daughter, without overdoing it.

"I tell her how beautiful, smart, kind, talented and helpful she is whenever a situation warrants it," Stephanie writes. "I am conscious not to go overboard, because I want it to mean something to her when I say it, but I do reinforce her positive attributes over and over. I have encouraged sports, music, dance and scouting to help her gain additional confidence."

Stephanie says the formula seems to be working.

Tracy McDonough, of Franklin Park, says she fell victim to over-praising as a child. "I remember my mom innocently telling me all through grade school and middle school that I was the smartest kid in my class," Tracy recalls. "I did get straight A's, and I won a lot of competitions. So I believed her. Imagine my utter horror when I reached high school and found out there are a lot of gifted, smart people out there. It was a real blow."

As a result, Tracy guards against the "everyone is a winner" mentality where everyone gets a trophy. "The real world is definitely not like that," she writes.

Her sons are 6 and 2, and she says they are brimming with self-esteem. It does seem as though girls have a harder time knowing how great they are. So, we should tell them, but we should leaven it with common sense.

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