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Imagine a road where there's no construction, no lane closings and no potholes. Wake up, gentle reader. It's Saturday and you're in Schenley Park, where the tires meet the tarmac in qualifying heats for the Pittsburgh Vintage Grand Prix. Now in its 20th year with 213 drivers from as far afield as Sweden, France and Germany, it ranks as one of the largest of its kind in America. And runs as smoothly as a Rolex.

The park was up to its axles in party tents and a gadzillion bucks of rolling stock … the kind you might expect to see in a museum behind bulletproof glass. Eyeball-flattening showboats. Classics with pedigrees. Lamborghinis. Rolls. Jaguars. BMWs. Ferraris. And (be still my foolish heart) no less than 220 Porches, this year's Marque car and class queen. A display attended by thousands of enthusiasts who didn't seem to care if the rear storage compartment might hold a set of golf clubs. Hey, dude, owners of these cars are no strangers to heavy breathing, and these beauties generate plenty of that.

Now, the race-bred wheels, so pristine they look like they've just rolled off the assembly line, were closer to the course in the paddock area. "I bought this car nine years ago so I could compete in this race," allowed Steve Garrett of Fishers, Ind., standing next to his '59 Turner 381 that was cooling in the shade after its qualifying laps. "I love Schenley Park and the people who put this race on."

Thanks a bunch, good buddy. We love you, too, for supporting the Autism Society of Pittsburgh and Allegheny Valley School. Except for driver Ann O'Brien (she won the "pole" position in last year's race!), of Southbury, Conn., everyone pictured is a Pittsburgher who has turned their pockets inside out for the cause.

Here's 1,320 reasons why the PVGP is such a hot draw: its volunteers. The passionate men and women, bless their hearts, who have been piloting this event for 20 years. They are the wings beneath these cars that ride with the wind. You also should know the event is free, open to the public, and garners gobs of goodwill and tons of press for our fair city.

My driving gloves, please.

Vintage Dance Card

Baby, you can drive my car … oh, how you wish! Especially when the auto in question is a Porsche. But this was a case of "look but don't touch," as nearly two dozen of the German-bred speedsters stood at parade rest for the PVGP black-tie dinner dance.

Speeding into its fifth year last Saturday, the pre-race bash revved pulses at the tony Fox Chapel Golf Club, where the ladies were absolutely glam. And 200-plus guests "oohed" and "aahed" at the full-throttle lineup of new and classic Porsches, the Marque of the Year.

Turning almost as many heads as the drop-dead gorgeous Nicole Bigham, Miss Pennsylvania 2002, was a rare 996-GT2, the only one of its breed east of the Mississippi. Sticker price? A mere $225,000 … give or take a grand or three. It belongs to Sewickley Car Store's Bob Nikel (with Paulette) who wanted "a GT2 for 62" (as in his birthday)!

The raison d'etre for the high-octane happening is the race to beat autism, a heartbreaking disease that afflicts thousands in our area. After 20 years of Grand Prix thrills, the purse stands at $1.5 million net — and counting — for both beneficiaries who aid those with autism and their families.

Behind every well-oiled machine stands a top-notch crew. A special Fanfare to event organizer Lauren Tillman for never running on empty. And to her pit row of Pam Cromer, Gigi Saladna, Beth Martin, John Bernhard, Debbie Hammer (with Gary), Saundra Stout (and Bill) and Risa Moldovan, to name a few. Team Tillman put the pedal to the metal and drove home a winner.

Then along came a Spyder, and guests steered for the patio to unwind with the smooth jazz of Don Aliquo and even smoother martini bar. Co-chairs Mike Connolly and Hank Kessler with Donna mingled with co-founders Dan Torisky (prez of the Autism Society), Alan Patterson (with Carolyn Wean) and Myron Cope with daughter Elizabeth; grand marshal Gary Triffo and Linda; LaVonne and Glen Johnson; Rich Haeflein; Susan and Ray Smith; Margaree Pertle; Allegheny Valley School's Regis Champ and Cindy; Susie Barbour and Paul Schwartz; Dotti and John Bechtol; Lisa and John Gloninger; Linda and Clark Hamerly; Gay and J.D. Fogarty; Christina Zack; Beth Martin; Shirley and Bob Skiviat; Kristine Hughes; and Voice of the Grand Prix Ted Sohier of WQED.

Midst the dinner of pan-seared filet and crab cake, tiny trophy cup centerpieces brimming with white orchids and mini checkered flags topped every table. Car talk was topic du jour with Shop 'n Save lady Kathy Svilar; emcee Alby Oxenreiter and Kaaren Welles; Don Brown; Nancy and Don Heron; Suzanne Mauro and Josh Stanson; Nancy and George Patterson; Steve Weber with daughter Jennifer and her beau Michael Whartnby; Mark Betres and Adrienne Compeggie; Shelly and Thor Tolo; Caroline Posteraro and David McCulloch; Frank Ziccarelli and Gina Marie Desko; Dan Sweazen; Jackie Stanley and J.F. Philp; Jan and Ernie Meade; Kelly Young and Henry DiFrancesca; Mary Beth and Dr. Jack Zelt; Susan Castriota; Carol Pusateri and Ed Koontz.

As the Skyliners' Donna and Mark Groom crooned their last tune, more than a few guests drifted off for a final peek at the hot numbers outside.

Go ahead, gentlemen. Start your engines.

Guardian of Israel Award

After 38 trips to Israel, Gloria Elbling stopped counting frequent-flyer miles ages ago. Yet on Monday evening at Squirrel Hill's Congregation Beth Shalom, she earned an honor she will never forget — the Jewish National Fund Guardian of Israel Award.

Created in 1988, the GIA salutes individuals whose service to the Jewish community and Israel goes above and beyond. To pay tribute, 175 friends, relatives and well-wishers raised $20,000 for the Israel Crisis Fund to increase security and aid terrorist victims in that troubled land.

On hand to celebrate Elbling were sons Julian and Howard; granddaughters Rachel and Shayna; GIA founder Stanley Cohen with Sherry Adams; event co-chairs Dr. Joe Trompeter (and wife Dr. Toby), Norma Sobel (and Dr. Michael), Sophie Goldman, and Ruth Fargostein; Hannah and Marvin Kamin; Freida Shapira; area JNF prez Steven Schwartz and Sharon; Rabbi Stephen Steindel; ex-mayor Sophie Masloff; Debbie and Josh Resnick; county coroner Dr. Cyril Wecht; Bobbi Elmer; Judy and Joe Sufrin; Sarita and Milt Eisner; and Bev and Harvey Robin.

Mazel tov!

Hail, Britannia

Elsie and Henry Hillman unfurled the Union Jack yesterday for England's Archbishop of Canterbury, the Most Rev. George Carey and his wife, Eileen, their guests of honor at a dinner party for 150 in their utterly divine Morewood Heights home and gardens. Of course, the menu and ambience were as impressive as the guest list … Robert Sendall was in charge, along with George Griffith and Tom O'Brien of Johnstown's Flower Barn.

Riverboat cruise

The Women's Advisory Board of Duquesne University made a big splash on Friday night. And I don't mean the rains that stormed everywhere except on their cruise for 120 shipmates on the Gateway Party Liner. Storm or shine, these damsels have kept DU's Mary Pappert School of Music on an even keel with annual scholarship grants to its most talented students … to the tune of $212,000 in recent years.

Riverboat John Connelly was aboard with his daughter Audree Connelly Wirginis, so you know it was a first-cabin cruise of our three rivers with superb wining, dining and dancing from ship to shore.

Now hear this guest list: WAB prez and benefit skipper Mary Jane Grefenstette with her first mate Carl; DU prez Dr. Charlie Doherty; Liz and Dr. John Murray; Maureen and Tom O'Brien; Judy and Jim Stalder; DU board chair John Connelly and Kathy; Ann and Dr. George Magovern; Lisa Egan; Susie and John Mihm; Fran and Paul Logue; Kathleen Welsh; Music School Dean Edward Kocher and Kamie Schoonhoven; Dee Bold; Marsetta and Dick Schweiger; Cel and Jerry McCabe; Terri and Don Hastings; Sue and Bill Rielly; Patti Weber; Joan and Guy Hilton; and Judge Mary Jane Bowes, celebrating her birthday.

Up periscope, matey, our cityscape's a wowsa sight a rollin' on the river.

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